Most people who have survived abuse and live victoriously over it maintain that victory by putting a set of policies, or boundaries in place. As an abuse survivor, I have such a set. My set of policies has been in place for a great number of years now and has worked well to help me live in victory. I did my best to base these policies on the Word of God and it's my desire to honor God through them, even when they might not make sense to those around me. One policy that trumps all others is the policy that my children will not know the fear of abuse. I decided a long time ago, before I even had kids, that no child of mine would ever fear the way I have because of any type of abuse. That's not to say they have not feared me over the years when it comes to obedience, but I've intentionally tried to strike a balance between parental authority and abuse of that authority.
I've spanked them, yet never taken my anger out on them. I've pulled them by the arm to get them out of harm's way, yet never left a bruise. I've raised my voice at them, expressed frustration at their actions, taken away privileges, grounded and given them extra chores. But, I have never instilled in them the fear that accompanies abuse. I know that fear. I was raised in the fear. That fear controlled me for a very, very long time, until the Lord Jesus Christ took that fear and replaced it with peace, determination and perseverance.
In the movie, Flightplan, Jodie Foster's character is a mom and her six-year-old daughter goes missing on a jumbo jet flying at 33,000 feet. Her entire focus during the movie is to locate her daughter and ensure her safety. She's doubted, labeled as crazy, handcuffed and restrained, yet she does not ever give up on finding and protecting her daughter. The incident awakened the Mother Hen in her and once the Mother Hen is awakened, there is no going back. At the end of the movie, not only does she retrieve her daughter, she also protects her daughter from knowing about the trauma she'd undergone in locating her. The daughter was drugged by her captors and slept through the entire ordeal. It ended as a win/win for the daughter because her mom protected her not only from certain death, but from the fear of knowing what had happened.
This is part of our goal as parents. Not only do we want to keep our children safe from harm, we also want to keep them safe from the fear that comes with knowing about harmful dangers they can't control. Sometimes, this goal is more easily attained than other times. Sometimes, a mom has to get worked up to accomplish this goal. Sometimes, she has to have the energy of being worked up to motivate her to keep her focus in rough times or times of threat.
Word to the wise: Never try to calm a Mother Hen down. It does not work. She needs her enhanced energy to protect her chicks. She needs that adrenalin rush to fight potential predators. Attempts to calm her down result in frustration on her part because it invalidates her concern, leaving her feeling like she has to justify herself. Her energy is better spent being worked up so that she can protect her chicks.
When it comes to abuse, I have learned that there are always going to be abusive people in the world. They simply better not mess with my kids.
There's something special about a Sunday afternoon with the family, all gathered around sharing a meal together. To me it's the epitome of a long held country way of life; the importance of family and friends, the need for close relationships and interactions with others, in short a way to make our lives less mundane and to leave us with a strong feeling of fulfillment.
Ever since I was a child we have always tried to have the family meet up together for a meal and time to share the ups and downs of all our lives; a way to be able to share a lot of life's perils and triumphs with others that can understand and be supportive. It's something that as a child I didn't really understand the importance of, I just really enjoyed getting to see the grandparents and whom ever else would drop by, but as I've gotten older and have had a chance to see the importance of these interactions it has taken on a whole new aspect for me.
Being a student of history it's safe to say that there is the very place to start in an effort to explain what I am talking about. Years and years ago our ancestors had very little in their lives to depend upon except for family, friends, and their belief in God. There wasn't electricity, television, radio or even the Internet; it was just them and the world with no way to lose themselves into something to help them forget about their problems.
After a week filled with hard work to keep themselves fed and safe from the elements and their surroundings, it was a real treat to gather together to give thanks for making it thru another week with members of their families. Sharing a meal, conversations and the news of each, they could then recharge their batteries and be better equipped to face their individual struggles for another week.
They could find out who might need help with a particularly tough problem or help to get the crops sewn or harvested, they might even find that someone had figured out a tool or a process that could change their lives. Also they would know when someone had been ill and all pull together in an effort to lend them a helping hand or offer up a prayer.
Our country was founded on these principles of a strong family and faith but we've moved away from them in our struggle to make our lives, and that of our families, richer and fuller. In this new fast paced dog eat dog world of global economies, inflation and the rising costs of everything under the sun we find ourselves in a struggle that is at least as difficult as it was for our ancestors.
As I've gotten older I've come to realize the importance of this practice and of family and faith. The world is still a very hard place to live in at times and we can all still use that old recharge that comes with laughter and the love of a family and friends. Divorce, single parent households, the need for both adults to work just to pay the bills and get the food for the family are problems every bit as hard to face as those of our ancestors. Sunday dinner with the family is just right to fill that bill of need.
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